Civility Unchained

          Have you noticed a general lack of civility lately in society as a whole and in people in general? I have, in myself and in others. Civil behaviors come in a variety of forms, and something as small as waving in a friendly manner to the person that let you merge into traffic or holding a door for the person or family behind you can make a world of difference - more than you might think - in providing a positive moment in a day that, for someone else, might not be going so well. Civility is the grease that allows society to operate effectively, without offensive language, confrontation and angry displays of ignorance.

     I think there are several causes for the growth of incivility, and all are at least tangentially

related. One of the primary causes is social media and the amount of time we all spend inside

that imaginary shell. Time spent in SM is not commensurate with family time, no matter how

many baby pictures or wedding pictures or trip pictures or food pictures you like or love, and we

often confuse our occasional distaste of the messy reality of family life with a preference for the

false order and implied happiness of that in SM. If all we see from our cousin is happy pictures and smiling faces and interesting places it gives us a genuinely slanted picture of the cousins’ life, and how everything must be rainbows and hummingbirds and smiles, because nobody ever posts pictures of their toilet leaking or the cobwebs on their ceiling or dust bunnies under the beds, a meal at a bad restaurant, the odor of an overflowing cat box or the fleas and dog hair in their rugs. There is an intentionally false but glowing picture of happiness and flowers and cute little kitties, and nobody sees you throw up after a bad taco or fall down in the bathroom and break an arm trying to put your underwear on. Not unless an evil significant other or a demented sibling posts it, anyway.

     The glowing ideal of a beautiful life without pain or adversity is demonstrably false,

providing an ideal no one can actually recreate because it doesn’t exist in the first place. Those

seemingly perfect families and/or lives on SM are like the hopelessly unrealistic ideals of a

Shirley Temple movie, and just about as achievable. The real cost, besides the amount of time

you spend online scrolling and wishing your life were as perfect as someone else's appears to be, is in the lack of actual human interaction. That interaction is a skill developed over time, and,

like every other human skill, withers and suffers from misuse and lack of use. The more time you spend on social media pretending you are interacting with people the more your actual

interaction skills suffer and the less human you become. You’ve seen people with no people

skills and no good idea about how to respond to questions, observations, greetings, goodbyes or hellos. Teenagers, for example, are by definition, socially awkward and inappropriate on their best days, and any activity that contributes to their further development toward social maladroitism should be avoided as much as possible. Instead, it would seem the socially awkward and inappropriate are multiplying exponentially; at least online.

     Online activities also breed the inclination to take advantage of the relative anonymity they

sometimes provide, and under those conditions people respond more angrily or negatively (or

both) than they normally might. Trolls seem to be everywhere; the temptation to argue with people that can’t find out who you are can become an overpowering urge. Fight the inclination to become an ass. Mr. Twain observed (before the internet) “never argue with stupid people; they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” Great advice from a man that never met Mark Zuckerberg. I’m guessing that if your Mama read some of those posts you have written while angry or some of the nasty responses you sent online to some perceived slight or offense you might be sitting in a corner in your parents’ basement with a bar of the little hotel soap duct taped to each finger and one of the big bars of Dial taped to your head to help clean up your nasty synapses and one in your mouth just as a reminder that excessive profanity is a curse and does not demonstrate whatever level of schooling you might have to it’s best advantage.

     Arguing online serves no constructive purpose, and responding with anger, no matter the

provocation, can only result in an argument with no solution or possibility of resolution. Anger

is counter-productive and, even though you might see your response as a verbal smackdown for one desperately in need of such, the only purpose you really serve is allowing someone else to trigger (thereby control) your emotions. Surely you could be smarter than that. Sometimes the

perfect response is none at all. Think of the masochist that says “beat me, beat me” and the sadist whose reply is “no.” This case might be the only time I have ever recommended a sadistic

response as a preferable action.

     Like Pavlov’s dogs, we have been trained to respond immediately to the bell, ring or ring tone

emitted when our phones or computers receive an incoming call, message, IM, notification or

email. The temptation to look is almost overpowering, and only those among us with ingrained

oppositional defiant disorder or an extremely strong will can defeat the call of the machine to our conditioned reflex, but fight we must if any hope of civility is to be reclaimed.  If only we could resist the seemingly irresistible temptation for immediate response to the electronic summons of phone or tablet might we more quickly restore our empathy for the human condition and develop our expertise at human interaction.  Notice your own response when any of your electronic devices emanates the siren call of an incoming message; first the eyes dart over to the device, then the irresistible urge to reach for the source to read the vitally important message you have received from the depths of the internet. Perhaps a “sup” from a friend, a heartfelt “where you at?” from a family member, or even the ubiquitous “we are worried your car warranty may have expired.” 

     Susceptible as we are to the pull of an immediate response, our emotions are also affected much more than we realize, and we often think nothing of their effect on our daily lives, demeanor and well-being. Arguments and anger on social media, like tv news, all function to elevate blood pressure, create anxiety and preclude clear, rational thought. Their primary purpose is to create division, argument, outrage and anger because normally rational and at least semi-sane people become irrationally angry at small, though annoyingly repetitive, provocations. Some of the best advice I ever received was to wait at least 24 hours before sending an angry email, making a phone call with a hostile message or quickly answering a negative remark with one in a similar tone. Mama used to say that writing a letter provided a great and almost immediate release for an issue that you allowed to make you angry - as long as you didn’t send it. The same thing applies to texts and emails. Write it, but don’t send it. You get the relief from the anger without the angry response and escalation that always comes after it is sent; just make sure to stay away from that “send” button.

     I don’t particularly like the fact that SM has developed algorithms to predict our likes, dislikes and product preferences.  How many times have ads mysteriously popped up of something you were thinking about buying? I’m not sure I want any person or machine to know me that well or be able to predict what I will buy, say or do. I’m also sure that those same companies use the same information they have collected on each of us to attempt to influence more than just the way we spend our money. Is that something you are comfortable with? 

     I have several proposals to do what we can as individuals to begin to work to restore civility in our society. To whit:

1) Put down your cell phone, computer and ipad while eating and/or visiting with others.

Turn it down, turn it off, put it on silent or leave it in the other room. Pay attention to

your friends, family or associates during the time you have together. Catch up with

technology later. I can promise it’s not going away. Yet.

2) Kindness, like anger, is contagious. Kindness is also its own reward, and no reciprocity should be expected. The Golden Rule should always be in effect; you know, the same one we learned in Kindergarten.

3) Anger is always an attempt at manipulation, and does not require a response at all, much less an immediate one. The purpose of anger is ALWAYS to force others into a response, willingly or unwillingly. Avoid being coerced into participation, especially if it’s an activity you don’t believe is right. If you really want to annoy a troll, don’t respond.

4) Look for opportunities to be kind to others, whether acquaintances or not. Buy a bag of pet food for the local pound or animal shelter, buy a meal or a drink or a cupcake for the person behind you in line, pay for someone’s groceries, hold a door, say “How are you?” to someone you don’t know and try to find a chance just to make someone’s day better with a small act of kindness. Be creative. Humanity will thank you, and might even silently applaud.

5) Stop watching the news. Read it on a variety of sites and stop the 30 second video 

bombardment of your sensibilities and testing the limits of your patience. Enticing your anger is not by accident.

6) Limit the videos you watch to those of cats, dogs, humorous people or recipes. You will be happier and a nicer person for doing so.

     Civility is not a condition that may be successfully decreed by law or that occurs naturally in society. The conditions that promote civility are individual acts of kindness that occur without coercion or requirement, and do not occur as a condition of personal gain or reward. The judicious application of technology, as opposed to total immersion, might help us all become happier, more productive and more tolerant people, and assist us in relearning how to communicate, socialize and respect our fellow citizens without the religion of division espoused by media, social media and corporate news. Monitor your screen time each day. Your phone will willingly tell you the depths of your addiction.  If you haven’t already checked, you will probably be surprised at the amount of time each day you spend staring at a small screen, your head bowed as if in supplication. Do you spend that much time each day with your spouse, children, grandchildren or pet? You already know the answer, don’t you?

Start a trend; be nice and change your life. Focus on people and not an AI. Make it a habit and change the world.